(Friends and readers, here are some words I
churned out as I took an honest look at what I am feeling during this time of
MAJOR life transition. It's a little heart-spilling, so please read with love.)
I'm finished with IHOPU.
Two years ago, I was a fresh outta high school,
heartbroken, soul-broken, never-been-without-her-parents 18-year-old. When I
moved to Kansas City in the heat of August, I had to learn the skyline of a
brand new city, learn the rhythms of a whole new culture, learn how to eat,
shop, manage finances, drive to new locations, and make friends out of
strangers all on my own. I thought I knew myself. I thought I was confident,
bold, extroverted, independent, and assertive. Turns out I wasn’t completely
right.
These past two years have been some of the
hardest of my life. I had to be 500 miles from my cancer-patient mother, my
newly jobless father, my busy bee sisters, my growing and learning nephews (one
of whom was newly adopted and often had health issues), my home, and my sense
of self. I had to sit still in the middle of the country, steaming in the humid
heat, and listen to preacher after teacher after preacher talk to me about a
God who, at times, I wasn't even sure was real. I had to watch as my bank
account dwindled down to dollars even as I was working as much as I could. I
had to watch as many of my friendships from back home faded. I had to let go of
so, so much. I had to let go of everything- who I thought I was, who I wanted
to be, what my future was, who my husband was going to be, who my real friends
were, what my family meant to me, what I liked, what I disliked, my money, my
house, my security, my privacy, my politics, my ideals, my religion. Hosea 2
became my reality: “Therefore, I am going to persuade her, lead her to
the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her.”
God emptied me and God filled me up. He put His
identity in me. He gave me friendships with people who could withstand my
selfish, hurting antics. He surrounded me with wise, caring leadership. He somehow
even managed to phenomenally strengthen my relationships with my family,
despite the distance. He healed my mother and my nephew. He gave my dad a great
new job. He directed me into a bright, exciting future. And He spoke to me
about who I am to Him, to others, and to myself. I learned that I'm really and
truly an introvert with crippling trust issues who has trouble being honest
with anyone. I learned that Truth is my core passion and that my whole life is
one epic Google search for it. I learned that singing is not who I am, but it's
what I do, and what I can do despite the circumstances I find myself in (I
don't need to be the next American Idol to sing my heart songs). I learned
that I am worth fighting for. Jesus Himself, my Bridegroom Judge, fights for
me, intercedes on my behalf, every second. He thinks I am worth it, so I must
be. I learned truths about myself such as I am useful, I am intelligent, I am
desirable as a friend, daughter, and wife, and that I matter deeply to God. I
learned that I have an obsessive nature (tattoos and rabbits are just two of
the things I lost my mind over). I learned that I am loyal, emotional,
passionate, vulnerable, and, at my center, a fighter. God used my time at
IHOPU, while I was surrounded by such a wonderful community of believers who
would listen to, encourage, and counsel me, to teach me about heart issues like
love, truth, abiding in the Vine, humility, and transparency.
I got to go on a mission’s trip to Southern
California with hundreds of other students where I made wonderful friends and
saw God move hearts. I got to explore some of the coolest historical sites in
and around Kansas City and learn about the Wild West. I made friends with some
of the most Christ-like people I’ve ever met. I daily encountered shining
examples of godly, honorable men seeking to love and bless their sisters in
Christ (and can I just say how healing and provoking it is to be so often
reminded that men who look and behave like Jesus did can and do exist?). I was
able to sing with 3 different worship teams and learn not only how to sing
skillfully but to sing prophetically. I learned under some of the greatest
theologians and prophetic musicians of our age. I met people from not just all
over the country (IHOPU represents 50 states!) but all over the world who love
Jesus! I lived with a few amazing young women who challenged
me, encouraged me, prayed for me, comforted me, and loved me so well. I started
liking yogurt! I never thought that would happen in a million years! I learned
the value of singing the Word everyday. I wrote several songs ON THE PIANO. I
mean, come on. I have loved living here. I have loved being an IHOPU student.
As I prepare to move home for good in two weeks,
I’ve been seriously reflecting on why I came here and what I’m taking away from
my nearly two years in KC. I think the most valuable lessons I learned while
here were not about theology, 24/7 houses of prayer, or even living
independently. The most valuable lessons I’ll carry with me for the rest of my
life were about the simple things that make me who I am. I’ve only just begun
learning about some of these aspects, but God willing, I hope to never stop
being amazed at how uniquely and wonderfully made I am. And how who I am,
specifically, is just how God wants and needs me to be for His glory and the
furthering of His Kingdom. And how the deep, deep desires and longings of my
heart were put there by a passionate, emotional, jealous God who desires those
things for me as well. How amazing is that?
So to anyone who might be wondering, no, IHOPU
was not a waste of time. Not in any sense of the word. I learned so much about
people, culture, identity, love, truth, the Word, the Trinity, prophecy,
friendships, independence, trust, and myself these past two years. I wouldn’t
change a thing. I feel as though I am now finally ready to be that bold,
confident, wise woman I thought I was two years ago.
And yes, I am ready to come home. While a large
piece of my heart will always be here in Kansas City in the front row of the
Prayer Room and in the hands of the friends I leave behind, I’m looking forward
with eager eyes. I’m ready to close this wonderful, enlightening chapter of my
life and start the next, exciting, unexplored one. Because ultimately, my life
is just a really great novel that God is writing, and only He knows the ending.
